Life
Hmmm....want an update of the last 3 months or so since I quit writing much? Nah, I didn't think so, though it certainly has been eventful. It doesn't seem eventful in a tangible way - though there is certainly some of that - a new job begun, laurie found a house to move to next month, continued progress on my own new house, etc, etc.

Much of the last three months have felt like an ongoing effort to get my emotional feet under me again. I think it's interesting that my capacity for writing seems to have disappeared within a week or so of the time laurie moved back into this house, and now, as it comes down to weeks until she moves into her new place, I start to feel like writing again. I've spent these months as a guest in my own house, and not a welcome one, sleeping on the couch and feeling weirdly out of place.

I think that's where the writing went, actually....at least this piece, the piece that I share with people. I've been writing a ton in other places. I have felt so out of place in my own home, among my neighbors, among the circle of friends that laurie and I shared....I really didn't know what to say, and when that happens I tend to shut the hell up. I'd like to think that's better than just opening one's mouth and letting it run, but who's to say?

There have been things to hold on to, not only through these past three months but going back further. My children, of course. MCB - though that's another emotionally loaded story, one that will likely never come to light here. The new job has helped a great deal, more than I would have imagined. A new circle of people, albeit not one I would put together on my own, who know only that I'm separated from my wife, and not all the bullshit that goes with that.

I wonder what that says about me, that I am more comfortable right now among people who don't know me? I pride myself on keeping my care for other's opinions to a minimum, so what difference should it make to me who knows what, and what that makes them think? Maybe that's not really the question anyway - it isn't the opinions of those who know at least a version of what happened between laurie and I that bothers me, it's that I felt chosen against, and I expected more from people. Still, no doubt part of the problem in this case was that "shutting the hell up" thing I mentioned earlier.....I can be a bit closed off at times.

Anyway....all of THAT stuff is mostly a circular representation of things in my head, the emotional equivalent of chasing my own tail for a while. The circle comes back around now to me wanting to write again. To share some things with whoever might be interested.

The more interesting, non-snivelly side of my life, which is a lot of what drove this journal (and the previous one) for so long, has shown stubborn signs of a pulse recently..hehe. I may still have a few things to say after all ;)

Soon,
J~